Christian’s Grade: D
Everyone has a favorite Star Wars movie. Then in the period spanning 1999 to 2005, creator George Lucas gave the world a new classification for his sci-fi epic, the worst Star Wars movie in the series. Everyone can debate their choice for both categories, but the following piece is my argument for why Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002) deserves to be considered for worst Star Wars movie ever.
At its core, this movie is a political mystery about the escalating tensions between the established Republic and the growing separatist movement, which, as we all know, leads to the formation of the Empire. The action is triggered by the attempted assassination of Senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). Right off the bat, we have a problem. The galactic senate is large, like thousands of planets large. And while we’re led to believe Padmé is an influential senator, there’s little evidence that killing her would be enough to swing a vote one way or another.
The vote I’m referring to is the one she’s preparing for when the first two attempts on her life fail miserably. The Senate is voting on whether to fund the building of an army of the Republic to combat the separatist droid army that is already being built. Senators know the enemy is amassing an army, and they’re debating the need for one of their own. This look into government idiocy in the face of common-sense logic might be the only accurate insight into real-world politics in the whole prequel trilogy.
Political nonsense aside, there’s also the overtly creepy relationship forming between Padmé and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), the Jedi padawan student to Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). Padmé and Anakin hadn’t seen or been in contact with each other for 10 years. He was a prepubescent child when they first met, and apparently, he’s been pining for her all that time. Now he and Obi-Wan get assigned personal bodyguard duty to Padmé, which seems like asking the Navy to take a couple of SEALS out of combat duty to guard Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Padmé already had personal security staff that successfully helped her avoid assassination. Why reassign Anakin and Obi-Wan?
Anyway, the sparks fly pretty quickly with Anakin. So quickly, in fact, that Padmé tells him he’s making her feel uncomfortable. Obi-Wan even warns him directly more than once not to get emotionally involved. As an almost-Jedi, he knows romantic entanglements are forbidden. But he persists and eventually wears her down, and the romance begins. I suspect some Jedi mind manipulation had to be at work here because it seemed to me that every time he looked at her, Anakin had a look on his face that said, “I love you, and that’s why I have to kill you.” And when he’s not throwing around the worst of the worst pick-up swagger ever, he’s whining like a child about all the rules he has to follow and how Obi-Wan is keeping him down. He’s just a creepy dude, and that creepiness is why Padmé falling for him naturally is so unbelievable.
I’d also like to examine Anakin’s attitude toward Obi-Wan. Clearly, George Lucas wanted the playful banter between them to play like comedy, but there’s nothing funny about it. It’s actually more like insubordination, which in an organized system like the Jedi order would not be tolerated. In fact, it’s expected that an attitude like Anakin’s would’ve been beaten out of him at a much younger age. Especially if he’s supposed to be the chosen one prophesized to bring balance to the force (which, by the way, did not seem to be out of balance). How can they expect him to fulfill that prophecy if he has no discipline and seems to be emotionally unbalanced himself?
Anakin’s constantly stepping out of line, and no one truly holds him accountable, so is it that shocking when he finds his kidnapped mother right before she dies that he ends up killing a whole tribe of Tusken Raiders? And by the way, let me highlight that according to what his stepfather Cliegg Lars (Jack Thompson) told Anakin, his mother Shmi (Pernilla August) had been missing for a month, and the search team made up of locals couldn’t find her. But Anakin takes off on his own, talks to some Jawas, and finds her in a day or two. And after losing his mom and taking his revenge, what are his long-term goals? He tells Padmé he’s going to become the greatest Jedi ever so he can prevent anyone he loves from dying. Did I mention he whines like a child?
All the signs were there for the Jedi to pick up on the fact that Anakin was not getting the guidance he needed. And for this, I partially blame Obi-Wan. Anakin was his padawan, so it was his duty to train and guide him correctly or tell the Jedi council that midi-chlorian levels aside, they have the wrong kid for the role of force balancer. Time to start taking new applications. But instead, he just goes along, stumbling into various adventures, telling stupid dad jokes, and being surprised every time Anakin does the opposite of what he’s told.
Speaking of Obi-Wan, one of the dangling threads presented here in this movie comes when he is doing his best to play detective and happens to discover that some long-dead Jedi made a long-term judgment call and bought a clone army for the republic but didn’t tell anyone. I guess the laws of ownership were much simpler a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away because the Jedi take ownership of the army and end up saving the unimpressive trio of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padmé from dying in a gladiator arena. It was a situation that was bad for Obi-Wan but was made worse when Anakin decided to play cowboy and led Padmé into danger by launching a rescue mission without any backup. Lucky for them, the rest of the Jedi magically show up with a clone army in time to save the day because, of course they did.
Let’s see, what else happened? The three of them survive an attack from giant monsters amid the two armies fighting all around them. We see a Jedi showdown between Yoda and Count Dooku (Christopher Lee), which is laughable because of the crazy CG Yoda moves. Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) pretty easily kills Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), which is disappointing considering how well he fought against Obi-Wan. For all the missteps and bad decisions that were made along the way, there are no consequences for Obi-Wan or Anakin. And Anakin Jedi mind tricks Padmé into marrying him in secret. Because stuff like that never gets out.
So obviously, I found the script disappointing, to say the least. Calling it offensive might be overstating it. The acting was uninspired across the board. And as with pretty much all movies that depend so heavily on state-of-the-art special effects, the effects shots don’t age well. Technology advances so fast that any new development that blows viewers away today with its realism and lifelike movement will look like a video game tomorrow. That kept occurring to me as I rewatched Attack of the Clones. It looks like many of the highly regarded video games today. That’s why movies like the Star Wars prequel trilogy will never earn the tag timeless. Their age really shows in the effects because they’re so over-dependent on them.
So, is it the worst offering from the entire Star Wars catalog? That’s hard to say, considering how bad Episode III – Revenge of the Sith ended up being. But there is an argument to be made, and I’m making it. Guys like Zack Snyder get a reputation for selling style over substance. But in defense of Zack Snyder, his movies are dripping with style. Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones had very little of either.